i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
