Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
