I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
