i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
