i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
