I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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