It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
