"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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