So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
