You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Randomize
