Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
