There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize