If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
