if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
