Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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