The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
