Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize