At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
