I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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