You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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