he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize