...so i touched it.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize