you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
