You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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