I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
