life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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