so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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