I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
