I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
