I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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