So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
