Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
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