i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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