Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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