i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i think i just lost a toe
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
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