He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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