Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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