the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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