dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
