I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
