I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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