I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize