I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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