I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
