My girlfriend figured out who you are.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
