At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
