Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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