so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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