I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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