he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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