Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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