I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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