It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
