I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
