I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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