You really coming over, don't trick.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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