you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
