but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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