is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
